What if

What if Love isn’t here to stay?

What if Love is meant to go another way?

What if Love, really, is just here to tell you that goodbyes are actually meant to make you feel okay?

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Love

Love came along. Love was patient and kind and all sorts of crazy. Love was nice and sweet and full of surprises. Love came at the most unexpected time, yet she couldn’t be any more thankful.

Love was not perfect; Love was clumsy and terrible at jokes. Love is confusing, but she adored Love more than anything and anyone else.

But Love came with strings attached. Love was loved by many. Love likes looking at the Stars and she can see that even the Stars wanted Love. Love tells her about Past and she wonders how Love found its way into her arms. Love wants Time, but she knows she cannot have enough of it, much more control it. Time was her biggest flaw and fear.

Time is elusive; it has its own way of bringing Past into the picture, putting Present at the backseat, and blurring Future in a heartbeat.

And so that one night, while sitting on a bench in their favorite part of the city, she asked Love: “should the Stars fall down at your feet and grant you chance to own them all, should the Universe conspire to rearrange Time and put Past and Future together, would you, Love, still choose to be here?”

Love replied: “I will choose to be here, over and over and over again. With you, in this lifetime, and even after that.”

With all the strings of Uncertainty, she held Love for as long as she can.

First.

If I were to write, I would want to write how I fell slowly but deeply. How I would think of the days and weeks and years to come, the present and future realized, just by squeezing his hand. I would write about how we both built our dreams together, moving forward and treading our own paths, yet in the same direction, knowing these would eventually merge — someday soon. I would want to write about those long car conversations, how we began to love each other through those seemingly irrelevant boring things and how it would make me realize that I’d have this anyday, everyday, over anything. I’d have you and choose you… anyday, everyday.

I don’t want to write about how we have more differences than we have in common. How distance and time and priorities get in the way and how exhaustion eats us up. How we meet people everyday, how that fact bothers us, and how we always wonder what the other is up to. How frustrations build up and how things get lost in translation at times. At the very least, if I were to write about these things, I would try to re-write it all.

 

Starting today, please allow me to (re-)write about you.

 

 

12/11/15

“I don’t understand,” she said, “you do or you don’t think that there’s such a thing as true love?”

“I’m saying it’s very subjective. You can’t suppose that there’s one quality called ‘love’, people mean such different things by the word. It’s tricky to distinguish between passion and love, infatuation and love–”

[…]

“But seriously, if you asked most people whether they believed in love or not, they’d probably say they didn’t. Yet that’s not necessarily what they truly think. It’s just the way they defend themselves against what they want. They believe in it, but pretend they don’t until they’re allowed to. Most people would throw away all their cynicism if they could. The majority just never get the chance.”

[excerpt: essays in love, de botton]

Excerpt: Essays in Love, de Botton

We had been sitting in silence, she reading the papers, I gazing through the window at the traffic and people outside. Suddenly she leaned over, gave me a kiss, and whispered, “You’re wearing your lost orphan boy look again.” No one had ever ascribed such an expression to me before, though when she mentioned it, it at once accorded with and alleviated the confused sadness I happened to be feeling at the time. I felt an intense (and perhaps disproportionate) love for her on account of that remark, because of her awareness of what I had been feeling but had been unable to formulate myself, for her willingness to enter into my world and objectify it for me — a gratefulness for reminding the orphan that he is an orphan, and hence returning him home.

Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone there who can understand what we are saying, in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved.

2:08AM Thoughts

  1. Walking in the rain at 12mn isn’t so bad.
  2. Those long drives alone make me wish my car could talk.
  3. Well if it could, I wonder what it’d say to me?
  4. Struggles today: 20 cases, 40 provisions, 100 pages – traffic – trucks – heavy heart
  5. Home is seeing  my brother wait for me and getting a hug from my half-awake mother after a long tiring day.
  6. It’s possible to hear the same words and feel the same sting from two different persons.
  7. Does history really repeat itself?
  8. Tired — in every way possible.
  9. Cities apart, x years after, yet nothing has changed — still that one person who answers my desperate late-night calls (although sans the alcohol now) and knows exactly what I need to hear to get me back on track. Happy to have you as my constant.
  10. Breathe. Pray. Go on.

An Attempt To Get Back To Writing

Hi.
It’s been a long time since I last tried to write and a lot of things have happened and are still happening, I’m not so sure how to put them all in writing. I know I would be able to, eventually, though not through narrating just how other people do it (and how I wish I could if only I would be able to update my blog regularly) but maybe more of through lifting out whatever lessons and/or emotions I got out of those events. Eventually.
Anyway, I decided to write because of a number of things:
I’ve been seeing graduation pictures in my Facebook timeline and it made me think about my graduation almost a year ago. Time really does fly so fast and it makes me think if I’m really keeping up with it. I remember around this time a year ago I felt like a ticking time bomb. I wanted to say goodbye properly to the people I have spent four best years of my life with, yet I could not find the time to finish all my requirements, much more even to talk to my friends. I started feeling depressed because I thought I would not get into the honor roll. Plus, some boy problems that all seem so petty right now. I could not believe how all these seem so pretty far away when it’s only been a year ago that I was wishing for all of it to end. I was afraid to start a new chapter in my life yet here I am, reliving events as if I were re-reading an old book and picking up bits and pieces. It’s a good kind of nostalgia.
I’ve been working for nine months now and I’m certain things will be a lot different in two months time. Six months ago I would cry out of frustration on my way to work, literally every morning for about a month, because I felt like nothing’s happening with my life and I expected so much after graduation. Luckily, my mom was always there to cheer me up and reassure me that things will get better. My mom became my bestfriend and I was so thankful to be with someone who had been through a deeper and darker tunnel and emerged victorious. I learned a lot. I was humbled. I discovered what I am really passionate about.
I want to help in the most tangible way. I see and hear the news everyday and I feel the need to do something about and for our country. I know it sounds like a corny, ambitious idea that every fresh graduate has ever wrapped his or her head around with but the more I stay in the corporate world, the more I feel the need to extend myself a little bit more. While I do feel a certain level of fulfillment – self-fulfillment to be exact – in my current job, I find it hard not to “go out there” and be more in touch with humanity. It was only this year that I realized the reason behind the depression and fatigue is that I’ve been trying to climb another hill when I should have gone down from where I was a year ago.
If there is one thing that I enjoy more than anything else right now, it’s that I am depending more and more on God than on my own strength and will. Someone once told me that in order to go through with life full of joy and hope despite and in spite of,  I should learn how to draw strength from Him instead of depending on mine. That way, I will never get tired and beaten. The more I get to encounter Him in my everyday, the more I want to know Him. It’s as if He’s lighting my path one step at a time and my faith, being pushed and tested everyday as I let Him lead me where He wants me to be. I wish I could say that I’m 100% sure that He’s telling me to go to Law School because if I did, I wouldn’t be so scared right now. All I know is He has been keeping things smooth — from the day I took the entrance exam, the time I started asking for recommendation letters, to that moment the results from one of the two schools I applied for came out (the other one, on April).
Lastly, I am beginning to appreciate more and more the blessing of waiting which gives us the opportunity to have more faith and trust His heart. After all, what excitement would it bring if He were to show what’s at the end of the tunnel? I’m keeping the hope that all that had happened before, all that is happening now, and all that will happen tomorrow are part of a bigger plan. With that in mind, I look forward to everyday knowing that I’m a day closer towards His will.
I promise I’ll be more coherent next time. For now, this would do.

November 3, 2013

So. This is me.

A fresh graduate 7 months ago with a degree that is just as confusing as what I really want to do with my life, who is working as an associate in a highly-stressful and number-centric industry and nearly entering the “I’m-supposed-to-be-responsible-by-now” stage.

My JTA pictures are still stored in the hard drive of my computer (mind you, I almost lost them) even after promising back in 2012 that I would “immortalize” the experience in this blog.

My admission to the University of Westminster – which is by the way situated in the heart of beautiful London – laid to waste all because I could not find someone to write me a scholarship letter.

My plans of “travelling” after graduation remains a plan because, well, who knew that getting a job would also mean sacrificing a big part you in that.

In which you could also infer by the way I phrased my previous sentence that I am not quite happy with what’s going on.

But then, somehow, I sorta still have this plan of going to law school. Next year. Hopefully. If I get lucky.

And yes,  still very much loveless by choice and by fate.

It’s like being on a stand-still and boy I can’t wait to snap out of it.

Let’s Be Friends

A good friend of mine and I were talking yesterday about how Facebook drains the energy out of us and yet we can’t seem to stop scrolling down the feed for hours in hopes of getting news from anyone. Well most of the time, all I get to see are statuses of acquaintances — some I’ve only met once or twice in my life — about their problematic love life, how much they hate going to school, how stupid the government is, and whatnot. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not here to tell people to stop posting for all the world to see whatever it is they feel like sharing. After all, we all have our own accounts to manage and, needless to say, this is a free country. That actually goes for Twitter and other social networking sites as well. However, based from what I’ve experienced yesterday, I don’t think these sites can really ever match up with the feeling of meeting your friend face-to-face or striking a conversation with them without the eyes of the world prying on your every reply.

Yesterday we had a despedida lunch date for one of my college friends who’s going to Germany for internship. We spent half of our afternoon talking and updating one another about the happenings in our lives and how we are all thrilled and anxious of what’s yet to come. It was just a simple date (in fact there were only three of us) but it was priceless. Of course, we learned the news of her internship through Facebook. But the lunch date filled the things in-between which FB failed to cover. There were lots of laughter, funny queer remarks, crazy stories, and even self-ridicule.

I think for the most part, we tend to be overly self-conscious when we’re interacting through social media. Knowing that the whole world is looking at us, we try to choose the right words to say to earn the most “likes” or “favorites” and to appear more self-righteous than we actually are. While it is a good way of trying to become more “responsible” especially when airing an opinion about a sensitive issue, I don’t think the same method would work well if you’re trying to make a relationship work.

At least for me, it doesn’t. From time to time I crave for some real conversation with friends and whenever I post something on FB or Twitter which garners a reply, I find myself struggling on my next sentence because I know I would literally be answering to the whole world. There were a lot of times that I felt like cursing or saying mean things but always find myself stopping midway because I know a lot of people won’t like it, particularly my relatives, professors, and possible future employers who have Facebook and Twitter accounts. (Though it’s a different thing to openly express hatred to someone or something and you know a lot of people will back you up, case in point example, the newly-elect senators of the country. But then again, it’s still a form of self-preservation on your part.)

And the question is, do I really have to be ‘that’ reserved when it comes to my friends? Doesn’t it make me someone less than who I really am?

See that’s the thing. These social networking sites put everyone in one place — friends, family, colleagues, enemies, strangers, so much so that it becomes a struggle to come up with a reply to a certain simple comment that would make you look good to all these different people. It’s as if all arrows are suddenly pointed at you and you now have to make yourself more interesting, more self-righteous, more…likable. If you’re operating in five different social sites, it gets REALLY tiring…toxic, even. Like a part of you dies everytime.

With that said, I’d like to stay away from FB as much as possible. It seriously consumes my time and energy so much looking at different posts when all I ever want to have is a real conversation with a friend. As for my Twitter, I would be more active in it compared to FB, but I would definitely tweet less. I won’t deactivate them because I might still want to talk to the world from time to time — of course, in a less affectionate and impersonal way.

As for my friends, well if you don’t mind, I’d like to be more old-fashioned. I miss being with you guys and I miss being myself when I’m with you. E-mail, phone call, SNAIL MAIL whatever as long as we don’t have to mind if someone’s looking. Text and chat are good too, but they almost always end in awkward silence — one end waiting for the other who clearly doesn’t know the best reply to ‘:)’. Hit me up for a cup of coffee or a movie or a simple walk in the park and I would gladly meet you even if you’re halfway around the world.

They don’t have to be as frequent as everyday. They can even go as few as once a month. The point here is, we’ll have our own private little world where we can talk and be ourselves as we watch the bigger one pass by without caring what it has to say. By all means, we could use that as our escape when things get rough. It would require more effort but the reward would surely be more fulfilling. You get the idea.

So say let’s forget the social media and bridge the gap ourselves, shall we?

Yours,

fielleignacio@gmail.com
09178930511