It’s been a long time since I last tried to write and a lot of things have happened and are still happening, I’m not so sure how to put them all in writing. I know I would be able to, eventually, though not through narrating just how other people do it (and how I wish I could if only I would be able to update my blog regularly) but maybe more of through lifting out whatever lessons and/or emotions I got out of those events. Eventually.
Anyway, I decided to write because of a number of things:
I’ve been seeing graduation pictures in my Facebook timeline and it made me think about my graduation almost a year ago. Time really does fly so fast and it makes me think if I’m really keeping up with it. I remember around this time a year ago I felt like a ticking time bomb. I wanted to say goodbye properly to the people I have spent four best years of my life with, yet I could not find the time to finish all my requirements, much more even to talk to my friends. I started feeling depressed because I thought I would not get into the honor roll. Plus, some boy problems that all seem so petty right now. I could not believe how all these seem so pretty far away when it’s only been a year ago that I was wishing for all of it to end. I was afraid to start a new chapter in my life yet here I am, reliving events as if I were re-reading an old book and picking up bits and pieces. It’s a good kind of nostalgia.
I’ve been working for nine months now and I’m certain things will be a lot different in two months time. Six months ago I would cry out of frustration on my way to work, literally every morning for about a month, because I felt like nothing’s happening with my life and I expected so much after graduation. Luckily, my mom was always there to cheer me up and reassure me that things will get better. My mom became my bestfriend and I was so thankful to be with someone who had been through a deeper and darker tunnel and emerged victorious. I learned a lot. I was humbled. I discovered what I am really passionate about.
I want to help in the most tangible way. I see and hear the news everyday and I feel the need to do something about and for our country. I know it sounds like a corny, ambitious idea that every fresh graduate has ever wrapped his or her head around with but the more I stay in the corporate world, the more I feel the need to extend myself a little bit more. While I do feel a certain level of fulfillment – self-fulfillment to be exact – in my current job, I find it hard not to “go out there” and be more in touch with humanity. It was only this year that I realized the reason behind the depression and fatigue is that I’ve been trying to climb another hill when I should have gone down from where I was a year ago.
If there is one thing that I enjoy more than anything else right now, it’s that I am depending more and more on God than on my own strength and will. Someone once told me that in order to go through with life full of joy and hope despite and in spite of, I should learn how to draw strength from Him instead of depending on mine. That way, I will never get tired and beaten. The more I get to encounter Him in my everyday, the more I want to know Him. It’s as if He’s lighting my path one step at a time and my faith, being pushed and tested everyday as I let Him lead me where He wants me to be. I wish I could say that I’m 100% sure that He’s telling me to go to Law School because if I did, I wouldn’t be so scared right now. All I know is He has been keeping things smooth — from the day I took the entrance exam, the time I started asking for recommendation letters, to that moment the results from one of the two schools I applied for came out (the other one, on April).
Lastly, I am beginning to appreciate more and more the blessing of waiting which gives us the opportunity to have more faith and trust His heart. After all, what excitement would it bring if He were to show what’s at the end of the tunnel? I’m keeping the hope that all that had happened before, all that is happening now, and all that will happen tomorrow are part of a bigger plan. With that in mind, I look forward to everyday knowing that I’m a day closer towards His will.
I promise I’ll be more coherent next time. For now, this would do.