Trying To Get That Feeling Again

I have this frustration.

I’m having a hard time finding my enthusiasm in any thing I do. Though my then-roommates once said that I’m lucky I don’t get addicted to TV shows and games that easily and that I could easily stop watching or quit playing anytime I want to. While it really is a good way of minimizing distractions, one cannot simply ignore the fact that this lack of interest may also be equated to a lack of enthusiasm…in anything.  How could I possibly get a job — let alone survive — if I don’t have the drive to earn it? This summer, I hope I could find that thing that I could be interested in for a long time. I would very much want to say more in this entry but I don’t feel like typing anymore. And besides, I’m sleepy.

I promise to try to go back to writing this summer. I need to get that feeling of wanting something so bad and working so hard to get it or perfect it.

Later.

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Thoughts Outlet: An Introduction

She does not believe in love.

Well, okay, not really. I guess to say that she does not believe in love is too strong a statement. Granted she knows how to love; every human being is capable of doing so. And of course, if you know something, you have to believe that it exists or you are capable of mapping out its existence. Aside from her family and friends and God, she had loved and was loved before. She knows that love is not like Santa Claus (contrary to what the girl in her favorite movie says so) and that it is as tangible as her favorite plaid shirt or her size 6 black doll shoes. It can be seen, it can be touched, it can be tasted, and it can be smelled or heard even from afar. Love for her is true.  So let me rephrase my first statement.

She is suspicious about love.

Now, that is more fitting. One might say it is just a phase that every girl will and can overcome once someone comes along. Maybe — I myself hope that she will be proven wrong one day. She is suspicious in a way that she does not want to have anything to do with it. If love really is something that is worth all the pain and wait, how come some people easily give up on it? She learned in her Theology class that love is a decision to stay even if both have already fallen out of it. If she were to follow that logic, would it suffice to say that she has never loved at all? For even after all the sacrifices she made (and believe me, she does not keep count of everything), he still left. It is not so much of how they both fell out of love but by how he decided to walk away when she was still willing to stay.

Love, as they say, is pure, blameless, and warm.

True. But no one ever mentions how love can be suffocating at times. And she wonders why people opt to intoxicate themselves with too much love to the point that they choke themselves to death. She values her independence more than anything else. She hates having to stay in one place and being tied down. She hates girls who let their selves up on a cloud nine one moment and cry their hearts out the next morning. She’s no hypocrite for she knows that she was one of them – years ago. She hated these girls not because she is bitter about love (after all, she chose to stay this way) but because they remind her of the person she turned out to be when she fell in love. Yes, she became a damsel in distress and yes, she became the whiny girlfriend. And for what it is worth, she became the bitter ex, too. And even if all is well now, she can still remember the aftertaste of her own tragedy. Perhaps she will regret dropping those stone-hard words and bypassing all those mushy thoughts come the day that she decides to take a leap again. But until that day comes, she will remain as she is. Everyone has his or her own reasons for becoming who they are and doing what they do; hers only happens to be something that she is not comfortable explaining to everyone. To say that she experienced greater heartaches compared to other damsels would be erroneous. She knows that everyone has his or her own ways of dealing with pain and that she refuses to judge them for who or what they turned out to be. She just wishes that they, too, won’t.

Anyway, this is not about what made her feel this way, but rather; this is about who she is today. And from there, we will try to make sense out of it; to try to understand her; and maybe, try to make an escape route for her. Because sooner or later, she would want a way out.

Creativity and Suicide

Our Comm 14 professor mentioned that creative people who cannot express the fullness of their creativity are like ticking time bombs. Take for example Marilyn Monroe, Kurt Cobain, Vincent Van Gogh, Amy Winehouse, and other artistic people who died either of overdose or suicide. No one knows why they did it despite their outputs in life. So out of curiosity I decided to research about it.

Musical creativity and suicide
The different abilities involved in artistic creativity may be mirrored by differences among mental disorders prevalent in each artistic profession, taking poets, painters, and composers as examples. Using suicide rates as a proxy for the prevalence of mental disorders in groups of artists, we investigated the percentage of deaths by suicide in a sample of 4,564 eminent artists who died in the 19th and 20th centuries. Of the sample, 2,259 were primarily involved in activities of a linguistic nature, e.g., poets and writers; 834 were primarily visual artists, such as painters and sculptors; and 1,471 were musicians (composers and instrumentalists). There were 63 suicides in the sample (1.3% of total deaths). Musicians as a group had lower suicide rates than literary and visual artists. Beyond socioeconomic reasons, which might favour interpretations based on effects of health selection, the lower rate of suicides among musicians may reflect some protective effect arising from music.

Creativity, depression and suicide
The relationship between suicide and creativity has long been a subject of considerable concern. The author presents evidence indicating that in fact depression, suicide, and creativity are related. Several hypotheses for the relationship are posited. It is suggested that the same changes in the serotonergic system that are associated with depression in general and with impulsive suicides and homicides in the extreme may also be responsible for an element of risk taking that characterizes creativity and innovation in a person psychodynamically predisposed to being creative.

The relation between depression and art
The relationships between depression and art are many and varied. Examples of poets, novelists, and musicians spring to mind who have vividly portrayed depression, usually from personal experience of it. These portrayals often had a psychohygienic significance for the artists concerned–as in the case of Goethe, who, in writing ‘The sorrows of young Werther’, exorcised his own suicidal impulses and thoughts, thus probably saving his own life. Artists have also depicted the physiognomy of depressives, e.g. Hans Baldung Grien in his picture ‘Saturn’ showing the pronounced nasolabial folds described by Veraguth as indicative of melancholia. Relationships between depression and art also play a role in certain theories of creativity, such as that of Silverman, who postulates that in the depressive phase new impressions arise which then find their expression in a manic phase. Finally, there are the various creative therapies designed in cases of depression (e.g. by encouraging the patient to paint or draw) to reactivate the nondominant hemisphere of the brain. Particularly in chronic or recurrent depressions this reactivation also serves to open up to the patient new perspectives for the solution of the problems that drive him into depression.

(Source: http://thequantumlobechronicles.blogspot.com/2009/08/death-of-musician.html)

Well, not that I’m suicidal (God-forbid, no) but sometimes I feel like I need some outlet to release all these “stored” energy. That’s why I rip clothes once in a while, I blog, I write things on my planner, I draw caricatures during class (even if my drawings are nothing to be proud of), I buy jigsaw puzzles, I take amateur pictures, and I color stuff.  It feels good to un-cap my bottled up thoughts once in a while.

Avoiding Toxicity

People will talk. After all, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. And it would not do any good if you tell them to keep their mouth shut unless they have something good to say. Because then, they would find worse things to say about you and believe me, they would eventually suck the positive energy out of your happy and lively soul.

Solution?

Ignore the negative aura and find a better side.

Trust me. I’ve been there. And with the rate of how things are going on and how I am feeling right now, I would say I’ve made the right choice.

Productivity

I went jogging today with my dad in Daang Hari and it felt good to know that my muscles are finally up and working again. HAHA. I’ve been wanting to go back to the gym ever since summer started but my mom has no plans of un-freezing my membership card. So to keep myself fit and err, avoid cellulites, I finally agreed to go with my dad. I hope I can make this a daily habit.

Another thing: I’ll be working on my new project today. Another jigsaw puzzle. :> I hope I can finish it before JTA sem starts. I can use some distraction also, I’m tired of thinking and worrying about some stuff I’d rather not talk about.