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Thoughts Outlet: Memories

How is it possible to miss someone you barely know? Or even long for a place you don’t usually frequent? How is it that during times of uncertainty and ephemeralness, you make the best memories?

Maybe the downside of having too good to be true memories is that, after everything has been said and done, you’re left with the bittersweet aftertaste. You know it’s never going to happen again. You know you might not see again the people you shared those good memories with. And you know, as time goes on, you’ll eventually move on from what happened and what now appears to be a vivid and beautiful photograph of that night will eventually become a blur — a bokeh of events.

What if I do not want to move on? What if I want to hold on to that memory, to that feeling, to those people? Would that be too much to ask?

Life goes on, they say. Things happen and you just got to accept whatever comes your way. Laugh if you must, cry if you must – but you should always, always, always keep going.

That is what I am trying to do now (even if every limb of my body tells me not to…not yet). Moving forward, getting by, and trying to shove down those memories in a box where I can preserve them for as long as I can. It is the same cycle as with the other memories before…but that does not mean it hurts less now.

 

Because no matter what I do, the feelings are there.

I still miss it. I still miss you. 

Thoughts Outlet: Circumstances Misunderstood

You meet someone.

You hangout.

You realize you have a lot of things in common and you feel the familiarity and comfort.

You start looking forward to going to school and you unconsciously scan the crowd for a sign of his messy hair or the wackiness of his voice.

You start missing him during those days that you can’t meet because of school work and you start wondering what he’s doing as of the moment.

You wait for him like a vulture to go online and yet when the green button appears before his name, you hesitate to message him.

Everything went by so fast and before you knew it, you’re caught up in a swirl.

You start overanalyzing things and you try to find meaning to once innocent gestures and jokes.

You start to hope.

You start asking yourself, “where will this lead?” and you begin to doubt.

And you start to feel jealous whenever you see him with another friend.

As stupid as it may sound, you know that there’s a big ball of feelings churning and consuming you moment by moment.

You don’t wanna mess this one up but you also don’t know if it’s worth the risk.

Because you don’t want to jump solo.

Because you’re scared.

Because in the first place, nothing’s really happening anyway.

No lines set.

No propositions made.

It was all up in your pretty little head.

There was a misunderstanding. It isn’t what you thought it is.

There’s nothing really special in it anyway.

Just two people who met and became friends.

Two people who might have liked each other but not at the same time.

In relation to my previous post…

I had an unexpected conversation with my then-PolSci professor today. My friend just finished interviewing me for DRS and we were supposed to check Zeitgeist if they have Odyssey translated by Robert Fitzgerald when we saw him on his way to the library. After the usual “hi-hello-how are you and what are you currently busy with” type of conversation has gone by, I was surprised that he started opening up about his love life. Although it didn’t really freak me out since he’s just 5 years ahead of us but I just didn’t expect that we would actually be talking about his love life — right then and there, midway of the library and the Dela Costa hall, with all the students bustling and jostling around.  Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I honestly like having out-of-the-blue conversations with the most random people and I felt myself swell with…I don’t know, pride? Happiness? It’s not like everyday your professors tell you something as personal as their love lives. Haha. I hope I’m not being too shallow. :))

We talked for around 30 minutes (without even sitting down!) about the girls he dated in high school, in college, and how confused he is with the girl he’s currently dating now. I was tempted to give him a pat on the back but I opted to keep my hand down for fear that it might make things awkward :)) When he was finally done talking, he inquired about ours (well, particularly mine). I told him I don’t have any as of the moment and my life right now is as exciting as the life of a hermit crab. But then he told us that he remembers back in summer semester, he walked with us one time after class and he caught something that my friends jokingly said about “manok ni Fielle”. I laughed as I remembered and told him it’s really nothing (and partly because I really don’t know how to begin the story). Still he insisted and invited us for a cup of coffee one of these days so we can catch up with these stuff. Weird, huh. But yeah, like what I said, it’s not every day you can find a professor that will lend an ear to your non-academic concerns and stories totally not related to the subject he or she teaches. I was grateful, in a way, but still kinda iffy because his choice of topic is something that I don’t really tell out loud to everyone. I have to find a way how to answer potential questions without giving away too much.

Anyway. In relation to the other post: for some reason, the conversation got sidetracked to the giving of blue rose. “Make it count”, he told us. Again, the pressure of trying to find a recipient of my blue rose heightened. I asked him what is it REALLY for. He answered something that goes like, “the last hurrah” or “the final effort that you’re going to exert for someone who might not be even aware of your existence because who knows when you’re going to meet again”. And as what I’ve mentioned in my previous post, the only person I thought of giving my blue rose to is, hmm, how do I put this. Let’s just say I’m not sure if it’s going to be worth it.

Or maybe it’s wrong for me to think of it that way because if I do, I’ll be missing the point — to do what you need to do and not expect anything.

I really don’t know. I have yet to find out.

Ein Pechtag

Had my first structured recitation in Western Literature. I was asked to describe the relationship between Patroclus and Achilles last Tuesday and I exhausted all my resources in order to support my claim that the two shared a bond far exceeding the normal type of comradeship. I ended up downloading the movie, Alexander, because I got curious with the similarity of relationship between Alexander the Great and Hephaistion. Come 7:30 today, I was asked to tell the class what my answer is only to be told that my claim isn’t correct and Achilles is in fact, incapable of sustaining an emotional bond with a human being because he is partly a god. I personally do not agree with my professor’s explanation because 1) Achilles is partly human too, 2) I don’t get the motive why he has to feign his emotions for Patroclus (especially his grievance during Patroclus’ funeral) and 3) I can’t think of any other reason why Patroclus would be so certain that Achilles would avenge his death and why would Achilles opt to rejoin the battle if he knows (and he really does!) that he’s going to die in the end. Simply put, the irrationality of Achilles’ decisions can possibly be attributed to a force stronger than his anger and pride. I believe it is love. I know this is a loose explanation of my point but I’m willing to explain it further if I have time. I refuse to accept my professor’s conclusion. Then she required us to read Odyssey for our upcoming book report and discussion on Tuesday (which I find boring compared to Iliad).

Podcast in CS on how to “build” a computer. The probability of me understanding computer terms and the probability of the Catholic Church approving the RH Bill are pretty much the same.

German class did not turn out well either. Plus that daunting major presentation (und natürlich, auf Deutsch!) on Thursday is spreading pterodactyls in my tummy.

Philosophy – one of the subjects that I really look forward to – surprisingly didn’t lift my mood up. I can feel my veins pulsating and my head buzzing as our professor was heartily discussing Tolstoy. Not that he’s boring, no (quite the contrary). It’s just that during that last class did I really feel the weight of what’s about to happen for the next few weeks. I felt my shoulders droop along with my eyes and actually got almost teary-eyed when he announced that we should finish reading Silence for next Tuesday’s discussion. One thing that brought me out of my reverie though is when he asked us what is that “something” which we think is lacking yet does not necessarily hinder us from studying (or doing our daily routine). Inspiration…in its widest sense, I thought. But of course, I did not dare say it out loud.

Went to the library to write only to be shooed away by the guards because it’s already 5pm.

Thought of texting the two people whom I feel like talking to in times like this but immediately remembered that she’s sick and he’s probably practicing with the glee club.

Saw a Korean couple on my way back to the condo doing a pinky finger promise and it made me realize that I haven’t bent mine since 2010.

Tried out Sebastian’s ridiculously expensive ice cream. It was good – the closest Italian gelato we can get around Katipunan. I hope they’ll have lemon flavor soon.

Finally got to stay in CBTL Katipunan after a long time and I was surprised that they’ve changed baristas. Also, the usual group of Ateneo Law School students weren’t there. Not seeing those familiar faces makes me feel like I’m not in my usual hangout place. One good thing about the change though – they spelled my name correctly.

Accidentally stepped on a puddle and got my feet wet on my way back to the condo. Biggest pet peeve right there.

I can go on telling how bad this day is but I don’t want to sound like a teenager throwing tantrums. What consoles me right now is the fact that out there, somewhere on the other side of the globe, someone is clipping her nails or drying her hair and he or she does not have the slightest idea (nor care) that I’m having a bad day. No matter how big and dreadful I think this hole in my heart is (that is, if it really exists), it still comes out trivial in the eyes of another. I can always blame it on the hormones anyway (oh the perks of being a woman!)

So might as well just type it all away and hope that tomorrow’s going to be better…feel better.

Seven doesn’t feel right this time.

We grew up side by side with each other. You used to be my archenemy, my constant annoyance. My first memory of you was you, singing in the bathroom the then theme song of iodized salt. I remember I dreaded going to your house everyday. But because your house is nearer to our school, I was required to stay there after school til my service arrives. You loved making fun of me and I, being the balat-sibuyas that I am, would cry a lot. Then we would be scolded together because of the ruckus we made. One time you teased me while I was brushing my teeth and I chased you around the house. I got scolded because of running around with my toothbrush still inside my mouth.

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I remember being so excited with the news that we would be classmates. I got so excited even after a few weeks of going to school that I started telling everyone we are cousins.

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I remember kneeling on mongo seeds because we fought so hard. I remember you getting your head stuck in between your house’s window grills. I remember you falling off a creek near our house because you tried too hard to win the peeing competition with your brothers. I remember receiving the news that you had a crush with my best friend. Deep inside that time, I really wished you would do something than just smile awkwardly everytime her name’s mentioned.

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And even after elementary, we never stopped being close with each other. That’s why when I received the news that you passed the admission exam in PMA (which you took secretly), I mentally made a list of reasons why I think you should pursue it. Despite the opposition of some of our relatives – and they did their best to win the fight too – the eight of us stood by each other and held on to our belief that we are now capable of making our own decisions, mapping out our own dreams, and being responsible for the consequences. Knowing that we have matured together over the years is the best part of growing up.

I know you won’t be able to read this but I know that you know we’re very proud of you. Seeing you with your head shaved (God knows how much you love your long curly hair!) made me realize how determined you are to pursue your dreams. No more ponytail and braid lessons. Well I guess you love your dream THAT much, you had your most-prized “possession” cut.  And that inspired me. You inspired me.

I miss you, kuya.

It sucks that my last bonding time with you was we watched Battle Royale I in our house. Had I known that that was the last time I would be spending Sunday with you, I could have made the most out of it. I would’ve explained to you the joke Mama said which you didn’t get. But then again, that wouldn’t be normal. And you hate making a big deal out of things.

Right now it’s just too sad for me to think that even after four years, we still won’t be able to see each other regularly. You, with your government duties, will be sent off to different parts of the country, often in those with battlefields. While we will be off somewhere, doing our own stuff, making money, practicing our professions. And seven definitely doesn’t feel right during special events.

But yeah, you still have my full support. Just…take care. Make sure to always come back in one piece. And God…He’s always there.

Know that every Sunday lunch, we’ll always have a seat reserved for you.

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Up until now I still miss you. And I can’t imagine the day I won’t.

It’s getting harder and harder for me to update my blog mainly because I’m still suffering from a major JTA hangover. Yes. It’s hard for me to close that specific chapter of my life. It was the perfect getaway for me and I became the person I always wanted to be — happy and without a care in the world. Going back to the Philippines meant facing school and stress again. Up until now, whenever I wake up in the morning, I am always burdened with the realization that I am not in Germany anymore. I am not, in any way, brainwashed by the prosperity of the country or with the fact that it really is a greener pasture. I know and I am sure that I can be successful whichever part of the world I may be. It has something more to do with the people — friends and families — I left there. They taught me the real meaning of goodbye. Saying goodbye to your highschool classmates during graduation or to your ex is one thing; I’ve bumped into some of them a number of times in malls, in schools, and in some events. While saying goodbye to people  who gave you a window for turning into a new leaf and whom you know will be living on the other side of the world, thus, it is as close to impossibility as to seeing them again, is another thing. It’s more of the feeling that I consistently felt for 6 months which I know I can never feel here. I felt at peace. I felt free. Sitting for the first time at the side of the Danube River and seeing the beauty and tranquility of the place, it was then and there where, for the first time in a long time, I felt my heart beat for no one but myself. I rediscovered a side of me that never really got to surface until left alone by all the worries and stress. It was there that I realized I can do better, that I was being too hard on myself, and, that life is beautiful if only we will allow ourselves to see itAnd that there’s so much more on the other side, if only people will know how to break the walls of their comfort zones.

That’s why when people say, “you can always go back there someday” I know it would be altogether, a new experience. Being there as a student and as a tourist are two different things. I want to re-experience the past 6 months of my stay. I don’t think there would be a more stupid request than that. But I can’t help it.

Going back means putting boundaries again. Because that’s how reality is; unless you are already fending for yourself and making so much money, you are still limited with what’s available in front of you.

I know it’s a bad thing to escape from reality, to always live in your dream scenario, but face it — if you were in my situation, I’m sure you would have wanted to stay too and never go back.