Thoughts Outlet: (Dis)closure

“So what now?”, she asked.
“What about?” He looked at her as if she’s speaking a language he couldn’t understand. They have been sitting side-by-side on a stone bench for quite some time now and while he does enjoy her company, he would also very much like to go to bed and pull up a blanket for some warmth. After all, it’s getting late and he found himself shivering at the blow of a cold midnight wind. He could really use a thick beer blanket.

Hers is a different case. She feels warm all over and she was even thankful when the cold air brushed her tear-stained face. She could hear the fireworks at a distance signaling the end of their college life and could barely make out the bright sparks in the night sky because of the trees blocking the view. She could not believe she is actually missing the finale. She vividly pictures how her friends must be hugging each other now, saying their goodbyes and how they might finally notice that she has gone missing. She tried to brush the thought off before the guilt of not being able to thank her friends properly for the last four years creeps in. There’s a reason why she decided to share this last moment with this person and she meant to tell him that except she’s stumbling — desperately crying — to find the right words. She was never really good with goodbyes.

How does one handle this kind of moment? A kiss on the cheek? A gentle hand squeeze? A pat on the back? Tomorrow will be both different and the same. She will have to put all of her things in a box and bid goodbye to her dormitory while he will stay for another year in the university. She will be off to another city, writing a new chapter in her life, while he will still be living in that little university town, will probably go cafe-hopping with a new set of company, and will certainly be drinking the Friday nights away in that bar they used to frequent. She shuddered at these thoughts and felt a lump form somewhere in her throat.

“What will become of us?” She rephrased the previous question with a clearer one. Although she’s not so sure anymore what she wants to hear. She feels another batch of thick hot tears stream down her already puffy eyes and for the very first time, the thought of leaving saddens her so much. What has become of that person who is always in for an adventure? The wanderer who never wanted to be tied down nor give a single care to what lies ahead? She glanced at him to see if he is feeling the same confusion as well. But just like before, his face never gave anything away. Despite being there for her through thick and thin, she never really quite figured out what this person feels for her — or if this person feels anything at all. She dropped her gaze and acknowledged the only explanation that she could formulate upon his absence of any emotion in what she thinks is a very frustrating situation:

Maybe he isn’t bothered at all. Maybe he’s just there out of pity or obligation and if there was anything that he could feel right now, it must be relief for not having to go through another bothersome year — 

“We’ll still be friends.” He said firmly before the little voice inside her head could finish the sentence.

That’s all he managed to say. After all, there isn’t anything more to tell, really. He even wondered why she asked. He values her as a friend and he couldn’t see the point of doubting it just because her graduation is three days away.

Upon realizing that the conversation is over, she takes a deep breath and tries to calm her nerves down. The fireworks display had come to an end and the crickets have started singing again. A cold March wind blew once more and everything is as normal as it can get. Nothing has changed. Two people can either be lovers or friends and they can decide to stay or go on separate ways in a blink of an eye without anyone noticing it. He’s right. It isn’t really much of a big deal. One heartbreak would not keep the world from turning. Nothing will change.

He stood up and motions him to follow her. She grabs his arm for support before letting her hand slide down to his. Interlocking their fingers, she squeezed his hand lightly as a sign of affirmation. Still friends. The words are now stuck in her mind and it is definite that she finally found a reason — although now she’s not sure if it’s a reason to stay or to go.

Cars zoomed past them and the street lights gave the impression that the night is still young. It’s just 12:30am; a bit too early for goodbyes, and yet they have already reached her dormitory. She tiptoed a bit and gave him a goodnight kiss on the cheek. He didn’t seem surprised.  He whispered a soft goodnight before they went on separate ways. Tomorrow will be the same. Indeed, nothing can ever change. And with all the normalcy around them, she wonders to herself if it is really possible to just stay friends.

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Thoughts Outlet: Circumstances Misunderstood

You meet someone.

You hangout.

You realize you have a lot of things in common and you feel the familiarity and comfort.

You start looking forward to going to school and you unconsciously scan the crowd for a sign of his messy hair or the wackiness of his voice.

You start missing him during those days that you can’t meet because of school work and you start wondering what he’s doing as of the moment.

You wait for him like a vulture to go online and yet when the green button appears before his name, you hesitate to message him.

Everything went by so fast and before you knew it, you’re caught up in a swirl.

You start overanalyzing things and you try to find meaning to once innocent gestures and jokes.

You start to hope.

You start asking yourself, “where will this lead?” and you begin to doubt.

And you start to feel jealous whenever you see him with another friend.

As stupid as it may sound, you know that there’s a big ball of feelings churning and consuming you moment by moment.

You don’t wanna mess this one up but you also don’t know if it’s worth the risk.

Because you don’t want to jump solo.

Because you’re scared.

Because in the first place, nothing’s really happening anyway.

No lines set.

No propositions made.

It was all up in your pretty little head.

There was a misunderstanding. It isn’t what you thought it is.

There’s nothing really special in it anyway.

Just two people who met and became friends.

Two people who might have liked each other but not at the same time.

Thoughts Outlet: An Introduction

She does not believe in love.

Well, okay, not really. I guess to say that she does not believe in love is too strong a statement. Granted she knows how to love; every human being is capable of doing so. And of course, if you know something, you have to believe that it exists or you are capable of mapping out its existence. Aside from her family and friends and God, she had loved and was loved before. She knows that love is not like Santa Claus (contrary to what the girl in her favorite movie says so) and that it is as tangible as her favorite plaid shirt or her size 6 black doll shoes. It can be seen, it can be touched, it can be tasted, and it can be smelled or heard even from afar. Love for her is true.  So let me rephrase my first statement.

She is suspicious about love.

Now, that is more fitting. One might say it is just a phase that every girl will and can overcome once someone comes along. Maybe — I myself hope that she will be proven wrong one day. She is suspicious in a way that she does not want to have anything to do with it. If love really is something that is worth all the pain and wait, how come some people easily give up on it? She learned in her Theology class that love is a decision to stay even if both have already fallen out of it. If she were to follow that logic, would it suffice to say that she has never loved at all? For even after all the sacrifices she made (and believe me, she does not keep count of everything), he still left. It is not so much of how they both fell out of love but by how he decided to walk away when she was still willing to stay.

Love, as they say, is pure, blameless, and warm.

True. But no one ever mentions how love can be suffocating at times. And she wonders why people opt to intoxicate themselves with too much love to the point that they choke themselves to death. She values her independence more than anything else. She hates having to stay in one place and being tied down. She hates girls who let their selves up on a cloud nine one moment and cry their hearts out the next morning. She’s no hypocrite for she knows that she was one of them – years ago. She hated these girls not because she is bitter about love (after all, she chose to stay this way) but because they remind her of the person she turned out to be when she fell in love. Yes, she became a damsel in distress and yes, she became the whiny girlfriend. And for what it is worth, she became the bitter ex, too. And even if all is well now, she can still remember the aftertaste of her own tragedy. Perhaps she will regret dropping those stone-hard words and bypassing all those mushy thoughts come the day that she decides to take a leap again. But until that day comes, she will remain as she is. Everyone has his or her own reasons for becoming who they are and doing what they do; hers only happens to be something that she is not comfortable explaining to everyone. To say that she experienced greater heartaches compared to other damsels would be erroneous. She knows that everyone has his or her own ways of dealing with pain and that she refuses to judge them for who or what they turned out to be. She just wishes that they, too, won’t.

Anyway, this is not about what made her feel this way, but rather; this is about who she is today. And from there, we will try to make sense out of it; to try to understand her; and maybe, try to make an escape route for her. Because sooner or later, she would want a way out.